Why 90s Cell Phones Were Superior

Is all technology useful? Are many of our current technologies helpful?

I don’t think so.

Unless the cyberpunk dystopia authors and film makers dreamed about in the last two decades of the 20th century is helpful.

Think I’m exaggerating? Then why is a company you outsourced your social life to trying to sell you a virtual reality headset during a global pandemic? That’s something straight out of a William Gibson novel.

Think about it.

One of the major technological backtracks we’ve made in the 21st century is mobile phones making zombie drones. You might think I’m just a jaded geezer complaining, and you would not be wrong, but hear the old man out:

When cellular technology took off and went mainstream in the 90s, it was revolutionary. In the 80s, people had pockets full of change because, if they were out-and-about and needed to make a call, they had to track down a payphone. Sure, a few rich kids had a giant, Zach Morris brick phone and could talk “cordless” for ten bucks a minute but mobile calling was out of reach for most. 1980s horror movie victims trapped in a car being terrorized by a masked, supernatural psychopath were hosed. There was no way to call the local sheriff to come get murdered trying to save you.

By the late 90s, however, cell phones became accessible to the masses who could call each other from wherever they were. This made life far more convenient than in any prior epoch.

So, how is 90s era cellular technology superior to today you ask? After all, we have iPhones with a library of apps that do so many things! You can essentially do anything and everything on a modern smart phone.

You see, that’s exactly the problem.

90s cell phones were meant mainly to make phone calls. Sure, people could text, but with multiple button pushes for just one character, texts had to be short and sweet. People could play “Snake” if they had the latest Nokia but that got boring after a while. Later, some advanced phones even had cameras but photos were low-fi memory monsters. If one did use a 90s cell phone to take a picture, it was with a good friend they hadn’t seen in a while because they didn’t have a camera at the time. No one had a photo shoot with their breakfast.

90s cell phones had just enough technology to make life easier and enhance interactions but not so much you lost all sense of reality. You would call your friend to meet them somewhere, maybe play a little Snake on the way there.

Fast forward to the snoring 20s of today where humans’ heads are hunched over, constantly plugged in to their screens wherever they go. People today are literally not even watching where they are going as they walk into each other or fall into fountains or run into walls… its pitiful in every sense of that word. Modern smart phones are convenient and make life easier in many ways, but they are also designed to be addictive. They’re like a pack of cigarettes with a functional slot machine on the cover that dispense crack cocaine every time the “user” swipes or clicks or whatever. Half of you schmucks don’t even know where you are! What’s more, you do this while you are driving vehicles. We used to only be afraid of drunks and teens on the road. Now we fear everyone!

Being middle aged does have perks in dealing with this because people assume you’re just a little crazy after spending 40+ years in this world. I recommend you do what I am about to describe. In fact, do this often and tell your friends to do it too:

When people on the sidewalk or in the halls of buildings aren’t looking where they are going because they are tweaking out on their iCrack and they are about to walk into you, BARK at them. No really, I do this. It scares the shit out of offenders and you’ll see them instantly snap back to reality. Consequently, they have no idea how to react. They are so surprised about returning to the real world, with the impetus for such a return being a startle from a barking man, that they are stunned like deer in headlights.

Its hilarious.